UK451

Great moments from film

2011-04-30T09:00:00.008+01:00

Smoke, directed by Wayne Wang
Auggie's Christmas story, part 2 of 2

Great moments from film

2011-04-29T09:00:00.003+01:00

Smoke, directed by Wayne Wang
Auggie's Christmas story, part 1 of 2

The Royal Wedding Again, Again

2011-04-28T09:00:00.001+01:00

Thought I'd celebrate the Royal wedding in my own way and create this. Oh, if only it existed in the real world.

The Luckiest People on Earth

2011-04-27T09:00:00.002+01:00

A lot of the train ones look very suspicious to me, but the others are quite remarkable. Love the driver of the car at 5:40 who refuses to risk scratching his windscreen on the barrier, despite the train hurtling towards his offside rear at 100mph

The Royal Wedding Again

2011-04-26T09:00:00.002+01:00

I'm squeezing my forefinger and thumb together very very hard right now. You can't see me, of course, but this is how much I care about the Royal wedding.

Sorry

2011-04-25T00:41:00.000+01:00

Apologies to all the readers of this blog - yes, all three of you - for the lack of posts over the weekend, but I've been very busy.

Normal crap should be resumed Tuesday.

The Friday Link

2011-04-22T09:00:00.010+01:00

Link to tumblr blog, My Parents Were Awesome

The Royal Wedding

2011-04-21T09:00:00.006+01:00

Really, honestly, this forthcoming event evokes very similar emotions to those I felt when I took a swig from the carton of milk in the fridge the other day and realised too late that it had turned to cottage cheese.

You're Fattist! No, YOU'RE Fattest!

2011-04-20T09:00:00.009+01:00

I was enjoying the sun yesterday, walking around the market in just jeans and a light, short-sleeve shirt. Unfortunately I caught my reflection on more than one occasion, in the shop windows as I passed, and couldn't help but wonder when it was I'd eaten the whole of a shetland pony.

Conclusion: I'm fattest, but I'm also fattist.

UK451 Asks....

2011-04-19T13:49:00.002+01:00

Is THIS the world's most pretentious blog?

Please note, the blog on the end of the link contains nudity and adult material

Bizarre Items for Sale - mobile phones for £1.00

2011-04-18T09:00:00.001+01:00

I came across the strangest thing at the counter of a pound shop today - dummy mobile phones which can only be told apart from the real thing by the fake menu graphics. I studied them at some length and couldn't believe the lengths to which the manufacturers had gone, to accurately recreate the real thing. They have exactly the same build quality (weight and feel), charger port and camera lens. I couldn't help but come away from the shop wondering what the hell they're for... and wishing I'd bought one just so I could show other people.

Street Nutter on a Hot Saturday Afternoon

2011-04-17T09:00:00.015+01:00

I had a look around my local market yesterday. The sun was out so I thought why not. It was pretty uneventful, as trips around a market tend to be, but just as I was about to head off home I spotted a guy across the street. He was a pretty regular looking chap in his thirties, sports bag over his shoulders, but was noteable because of the strange robot dance he was doing as he walked along. He turned a few heads and raised some smiles, but turned a corner and was gone. About ten minutes later as I was crossing the road to call at a shop, he appeared again. This time the robot dance had been replaced by a furious shouting, jumping and screams of, "You fucking slag! You fucking bitch! Slag! Slag!"

He was too close for comfort.

Muller Corner - Mix it up

2011-04-16T09:00:00.002+01:00

Open letter to Dettol - The reply #3

2011-04-15T09:00:00.014+01:00

Related posts:
Open Letter to Dettol - The Reply #2
Open Letter to Dettol - The Reply
Open Letter to Dettol
No Touch, No Germs

Dettol's latest response to my on-going battle to get a response from them explaining why they believe their No Touch soap dispenser is more hygienic that a regular dispenser:

Thank you for your e-mail regarding Dettol No-Touch Hand Wash
I was concerned and sorry to hear your comments. However, both the Dettol No-Touch Hand Wash Marketing team and myself are always interested in and, indeed, value feedback from consumers, both positive and negative.

I would therefore like to thank you for taking the time and trouble to share your views with us and confirm that I have passed details of your comments to them for their information.

Yours sincerely

Consumer Affairs Representative

And my response:

I appreciate the continued communication I am receiving from your department, but I find it hard to accept that either you or the Dettol No-Touch Hand Wash marketing team are 'sorry' or 'concerned' to hear my comments. I base this opinion on the fact that my continued attempts to get a direct answer to my question have been ignored and avoided in true politian style. I will continue to ask the following question until I receive a satisfactory answer:

If Dettol soap kills 99.9% of all known germs, how can it possibly matter how that soap is dispensed? In short it cannot, and yet you continue to claim the No-Touch system "Helps stop the spread of bacteria".

Yours sincerely

Open letter to Dettol - The reply #2

2011-04-14T09:00:00.018+01:00

Related posts:
Open Letter to Dettol - The Reply
Open Letter to Dettol
No Touch, No Germs

Here's Dettol's latest response to my on-going battle to get a response from them explaining why they believe their No Touch soap dispenser is more hygienic that a regular dispenser:

Thank you for your email regarding Dettol No Touch Dispenser Advertising.

I can confirm that all our advertising has been approved by the Broadcasting Advertising Clearance Centre (BACC). The BACC is responsible for ensuring that only substantiated claims and acceptably accurate information or descriptions appear in any advertisement.

It also conforms to the required standards of all the other relevant bodies.

However, I do recognise and respect the fact that the concerns you have are serious enough for you to bring them to our attention.

Please be assured that Reckitt Benckiser do value feedback and comments such as yours and that they will be passed to the relevant departments including the Dettol Marketing team.

It is very important to know how we are perceived at a personal level which is why we value your contact so much.

Thank you for taking the trouble to contact us.

Yours Sincerely
Consumer Relations Advisor

And my response:

Thank you again for your response, but I still feel as though my answer has not been answered. This is my third email to you regarding this matter, in which I have asked for an answer to a specific question, and yet the Dettol Marketing team have still not contacted me directly. Can I ever expect a reply/answer from them?

It's hard to accept that my feedback and concerns are valued and perceived on a 'personal level' when Dettol, or you on behalf of, cannot answer a simple question.

I am fast approaching the conclusion that my answer has not been answered because Dettol are unable to argue or dispute the point I'm making.

Just in case my original question has been forgotten in all the correspondence, here it is again:

Can Dettol please explain how thier No Touch soap dispenser is 'safer' and more hygenic that a standard pump dispenser (dispensing the same soap) when it is the soap itself, and NOT the fact that their is no pump to touch, that cleans the hands of bacteria and germs? A user's final action in the process of cleaning their hands - whether they've dispensed the soap manually or via your No Touch product - is to actually clean their hands using the soap, thus ridding them of any germs they may have picked up when pressing the pump on a standard unit.

In your last email, you wrongly claimed that the current television advert for the Dettol No Touch dispenser is referring to the 'conveinience' of their product. This is wrong, as the advert clearly claims the product is more hygienic and safer than standard soap dispensers. Therefore, can Dettol please, finally, answer the above question.

Yours sincerley

Real books Vs Es

2011-04-13T09:00:00.003+01:00

Amazon announced some time ago that they now sell far more ebooks than real ones. This saddens me deeply.

Your views please.

Blast from the past - 1984

2011-04-12T09:00:00.006+01:00

Summer Coats

2011-04-10T09:00:00.002+01:00

The sun has been threatening the gloom for about a month now, on and off. The last couple of days, however, have been glorious - that huge ball of fire beating down from a cloudless, porcelain-blue sky - but you just know you're guaranteed to come across at least one person on your travels who's wearing an overcoat of some description. What is it with the Brits and this dogged refusal to accept that the hot weather has arrived? Oh, better put our coats on, Mavis, you know how the weather can change. This despite the dog melting into the pavement just outside their house.

Summer is here, people, hang up those coats!

James's Face

2011-04-09T09:00:00.000+01:00

Without doubt one of the greatest and funniest finds of the internet. It's the kind of idea that makes me slap my forehead for not thinking of it first. In the words of the creator himself -

I like going onto my friends facebook page, taking photos of him, changing his face slightly then putting them back up on facebook. He doesn't like me doing this.

James's Face

Open letter to Dettol - The reply

2011-04-08T09:00:00.000+01:00

In my original post regarding the utter bollocks that is Dettol's new 'no touch' handwash system, I promised I'd post up their response should they ever reply to my claims that the product is completely unnecessary. That day came today...

Thank you for your email regarding Dettol no touch hand wash.

I thank you for your comments and would like to advise both the Dettol Marketing team and myself are always interested in and, indeed, value feedback from consumers, both positive and negative.

There are several reasons for this new creation. This was a decision taken by the marketing to team to aid easier dispensing for our consumers. We have recieved comments from our consumers stating the product was helpful for use in areas of work with many children i.e nurseries. Also for people with disabilities who are unable to push a pump as this may prove to be a difficult task for some. Also a consumer has particulary dirty hands and simply doesnt want to make his pump dispenser dirty by pressing.

It is deemed and easier option for many users and places of work whilst others simply prefer the normal pump contraption.

I would therefore like to thank you for taking the time and trouble to share your views with us and I can confirm that I have passed details of your comments onto marketing for their information.

Yours Sincerely

Consumer Affairs Representative

Fair enough some might say, but I couldn't let it lie there, especially when you consider they haven't even addressed the points I outlined in my original email. Here, then, is my reply to their reply:

Dear

Thank you very much for your reply.
I accept that a hand wash dispenser with a sensor, as opposed to a manual pump, could - in all the instances you've outlined - be very handy and convenient. However, it is not the convenience and ease of use that the current Dettol commercial is stressing. The advert is clearly and blatantly claiming that the product is an aid to hygiene due to the fact that it doesn't require the user to touch a plunger - which, for the reasons I gave in my original email, I feel is a false and misleading claim.

Given this, I would dearly love and very much appreciate a further, follow-up statement that directly addresses the points I've made here.

Yours sincerely

Sky Television - Tossers!

2011-04-07T09:00:00.001+01:00

Sky are a bunch of wankers!!! A few days ago I had to cancel my direct debit with them because I knew I wouldn't have enough money in to cover this month's payment. As expected they've now blocked all but the terrestrial channels. I've since made the missed payment over the phone (automated), and then tried to phone their helpline, about a dozen times, to find out when I could expect my services to resume. Half the time the silly automated cunt "didn't recognise" the options I was choosing, and when I EVENTUALLY got the golden message, "Please wait while we connect you to an advisor" the line went dead. This happened about four times until I finally got through to a real person who told me that the department I needed was closed until tomorrow. WANKING CUNTS!!!

Is Personal Hygiene Overrated?

2011-04-06T09:00:00.002+01:00

It's said that if you leave your hair unwashed for long enough it will clean itself. Unfortunately you have to go through a period (about six months in) during which it will smell like a dead sheep, but maybe it's worth it. This got me thinking if the same would happen with the body itself. It's an experiment I'd be more than happy to be the guinea pig for.

Sleep Paralysis

2011-04-05T09:00:00.003+01:00

Suffer from sleep paralysis? No? Then you're lucky because it's not nice. I fell asleep on the couch earlier this evening. About an hour later I woke up, or I should say the part of my brain that controls conciousness did. The part of my brain that controls muscles, however, decided it needed a few more minutes sleep, during which time I couldn't move, open my eyes or scream out. I knew it would pass, they always do, and eventually I woke properly with a jolt, my breathing laboured.

Louis Theroux: America's Most Hated Family In Crisis

2011-04-04T09:00:00.025+01:00

The last couple of Louis Theroux's documentaries have focused on the more conventional and regular walks of life, albeit still looking at a way of life few of us would want to be part of, but as far as I'm concerned Louis Theroux is never better than when he penetrates the lives of oddballs, weirdos and those people whose opinions and lifestyles have the pwer to shock and anger. So it was with great excitement that I settled down to watch America's Most Hated Family In Crisis yesterday evening - his follow-up to The Most Hated Family in America which aired back in 2007, and, just like his first outing, it was one of the most fascinating and insightful 60 minutes I've ever sat through. Theroux is the absolute master of investigative journalism, and seems to have a unique talent for saying so much without speaking a word.

Sadly the MHFiA still believe the nonsense they spout (or at least claim to), despite the odd family 'deserter' that's finally seen these people for the mentally challenged individuals they are and have once again joined the human race and ditched the belief that all death should be celebrated because it's the work of God Almighty.

Repeated tonight on BBC2 at 23:20 or alternatively WATCH ON BBCi

Amazing google street view captures

2011-04-03T09:00:00.002+01:00

See more HERE

Great moments from film

2011-04-02T09:00:00.005+01:00

Vague writing style irritates

2011-04-01T09:00:00.001+01:00

I'm deeply irritated by this new style of writing one finds on blogs, personal websites, facebook, etc, which is just that little bit obscure and done with a sneering air of you're-not-invited-to-our-party. It's the kind of writing that's written in an intentionally vague kind of way, almost code in some respects, designed to confuse, disorientate and segregate any 'uncool' folk that may be reading. Take this example, for instance, from the 20jazzfunkgreats website - the post is titled Gel Set – U-lock In My Hand:

Sad to say, not even one sub-quartier of the 20 Jazz Funk Greats mechanism has actually visited the windiest city, certainly not the rougher part of its liniage so we cannot elaborate upon the subject matter of U-lock In My Hand. We don’t know very much about Gel Set either, only that she’s a vision a gun toting, mace wielding armour-clad High Places patrolling the ghettos of ethereal indie pop with the scarred grimace of Snake Plisken. U-lock In My Hand is going straight on 20JFG’s personal mp3 playback device to give us comfort in those moments where we find ourselves lost and alone in the ghettos of Unknown Kadath (where 20JFG obviously lives).

Anyone care to have a wild stab at what the fuck this person is talking about??

It's not clever and it's not funny - all it does is alienate normal people.

How to annoy junk mail distributors

2011-03-31T09:00:00.011+01:00

Like millions of people up and down the country, it's a fair bet that you're sick to the back teeth of junk mail falling through your letterbox week after week - I know I am. But if you follow the steps I'm about to outline, we can be just as annoying to them. By the time you've finished reading this you'll probably be asking, "Wouldn't it be easier to just throw it in the bin?" Well, yes it would, of course it would, but this will achieve nothing and you'll continue to receive more junk, so I urge everyone reading this (all three of you) to follow my example.

When the junk arrives, open it. Somewhere on the main letter (usually in the tinyprint in the footer) there'll be an address. Sometimes they're even kind enough to include a pre-addressed envelope (even better if the envelope requires a stamp). Now, pop all the bumpf into an envelope and address it (unless, of course, it included the afore mentioned pre-addressed one, in which case use that).

Now all that's required is to post the letter, UNSTAMPED.

This process has a two-fold effect. It lets them know you don't want their junk and, because no stamp was used, forces them to fork out for postage. Imagine the cost if just 10,000 people were to do this to the same distributor?

Happy posting!

The Gas by Charles Platt - Review

2011-03-30T09:00:00.006+01:00

A deadly, aphrodisiac gas is blowing across Southern England - Vincent is speeding towards London in a stolen Rolls Royce in the hope of rescuing his family.

And so begins one of the most outrageous novels you've probably never read. Imagine a 70s porno version of 28 Days Later and you're almost there. If you haven't read it, then I urge you get yourself a copy today - don't worry, you can pick up your jaw again at the end.

Buy

Open letter to Dettol

2011-03-29T09:00:00.007+01:00

Following on from my earlier post, No-touch, no germs, I thought I'd write a letter to Dettol asking them to justify their utterly pointless 'touch free' dispenser. I'll post their (probably automated) reply if and when I receive it. For now, here's my letter to them:

Dear Sirs,

I'm writing on behalf of the thousands upon thousands of logically-minded folk who completely fail to see the point behind your 'touch free' hand soap dispenser. Just check your ad on youtube for said product, to see what people are saying.

Here you have a product that dispenses a soap that is said to kill 99% of all known germs, okay? So let us now look at the process one goes through to wash their hands (for this example we'll presume we're using a Dettol soap dispenser with a regular plunger).

Step one: Hands - pre wash (probably already full of germs, but for the process of this exanple let's presume they're free of germs at this point).

Step two: Hold one hand under the nozzle and use the other to press plunger and dispense soap into hands (here is where you claim the problem of hygeine lies - the fact that we have touched a germ-ridden plunger to dispense the soap).

Step three: Wash hands in Dettol soap, killing 99% of all-known germs in the process.

Step four: Dry hands using whatever comes to hand, re-covering hands in the germs you've just washed off.

Taking the sceneario above as a typical example, step three being the key, we would dearly love for you to now justify the need for a 'touch free' dispenser?

Yours sincerley

Short reviews from UK451 - Homefront

2011-03-28T09:00:00.004+01:00

This game is shit. Not as shit as THIS, but still shit. A run-of-the-mill first-person shooter with graphics that may have impressed five years ago, but that just can't cut it with the big players of today. The game fails to engage on any level.

Alcohol

2011-03-27T09:00:00.005+01:00

Alcohol, it's a good thing right? It relaxes you, boosts your confidence, and makes you irresistible to the opposite sex and a brilliant pool player... at least the latter is true in my case anyway. But it's not all good. I'm actually writing this post 'under the influnence' - so please forgive any typos - and have just returned home from a night at my sister's (I rode home on my bicycle - does that constitute 'drink driving'?). It was a great night - there was about seven of us there, all friends and family. There was good food, wine, and at the end of the night a few frames of pool with Jack Daniels on tap.... which is when it turned ugly. I won't bore you with any more details, but it damn near came to fisticuffs when the husband of my sister's friend decided the night wasn't over when it was time for them to go home.

So there you have it. Alcohol isn't all good, but I'm sure you were all aware of that anyway. Worst still, I've just realised I've posted a 'diary' type post. Sorry.

Academy of the unjustly celebrated

2011-03-26T09:00:00.001Z

US Sitcoms - with the exception of very few, US sitcoms and their stars have an exaggerated sense of their own importance. Oh, and they're not funny.

US Blockbuster Shows - What the hell is all the fuss about?

Asian Horror - Not scary and like most Asian cinema, badly directed/acted

Shaved/trimmed Pubic Areas - Why do women have such an aversion to pubic hair these days?

Couscous - Rice for snobs, tastes like paper mache.

Recreational Drugs - Make a list of the pros and cons from recreational drug use, then look at the size of the cons list compared to the pros list

Dr Who - David Tennant, a man who can't act to save his life, appears in interviews to be incredibly arrogant, and is one skipped meal away from anorexia nervosa.

The Da Vinci Code - Described by Stephen Fry as "absolute arse-gravy of the highest order" - nuff said.

F1 - Oh, look, a fast and noisy car is about to pass us... and here's another. Do they stay in this order for the whole race? Yes.

Football - Men playing a sport they enjoy, and probably all they've ever done. Then pay each of them £100,000 a week while the country goes to the dogs.

Horse Racing - Cruel and dull beyond belief. Oh, how I laugh when the jockeys fall from their saddle and break bones.

John Wayne - The Stephen Segal of his time.

Modern Art - Some of it's brilliant, an awful lot of it is utter tosh, despite pretentious art critics telling me why it isn't (utter tosh)

Modern US Low-budget Horror Films - Full of irritating characters that you don't give a flying fuck about. These films have you rooting for the killer(s)

Morcombe and Wise - The poor man's Two Ronnies

Owning Your Own House - They say they're an investment. Really? So why aren't all home owners rolling in dosh when compared to those who rent?

People - Hell is other people.

Politics - Mind-numbingly boring.

The Royal Family - Give me the Royle Family any day of the week.

Shakespear - What's he on about?

Tattoos - Oh, you're so very unique and individual, you have something drawn on your upper arm/back/ankle/thigh/neck

Television - The UK now has over 700 television channels, and 97% of it is shit!

News - How do tv news networks manage to cover 'important' event for three days? Oh, that's it. They cover the whole story in fifteen minutes and then start talking about the colour of the car in the story, or the pigeon sat on the wall.

American Pornography - ZZZzzzz.

Crazy Trip - short story generated by computer program

2011-03-25T09:00:00.002Z

One dawn, in the dark winters onslaught, 21 pencils creep aboard a truck going to winchester. swing, hapiness and very happy, the boats decide to poke fun at a cat wearing a floor. The car stops when a large young farmer gets in, alone, tiny and quickly unaware that the engines are about to strike.

But there is more to this young woodsman than meets the eye. When 8 vehicles catch the bicycle as they approach dorset, the balance of power takes an unexpected twist and many books are lost.

Submit your own: Story generator

And if your knowledge of nouns, adjectives, etc is as lacking as mine, you may need this too: writingcentre

5 horror film scenes that damn near caused involuntary bowel movents in me as a kid

2011-03-24T09:00:00.019Z

Untitled

2011-03-23T09:00:00.003Z

Chocolate isn't the answer to depression, try Farley's Rusks instead.

Quick snack recipe - bacon and roasted pine nut sandwich filler

2011-03-22T09:00:00.005Z

For this gorgeous improvised snack you will need the following:

Pack of bacon lardons (size depending on the greedy bastardness of the individual)
Packet of pine nuts
Approx half a dozen small vine tomatoes
Jar of mustard mayonaise (or regular mayo and mustard to mix to taste)
Red Leicester cheese
Oven bottom muffins

Cover the base of a smallish frying pan with pine nuts and roast until brown. Empty into a bowl when done.
Put the bacon lardons on to fry. Whilst these are frying away, roughly crush the roasted pine nuts, cut the tomatoes up into quaters and grate a large handful of the cheese.

When the bacon lardons are done, mix all the ingredients together in a large bowl and add a few dollops of the mustard mayo to bind.

Slap a few spoonfulls of the mixture onto the buttered muffin, take a bite and sit back while your tastebuds go through a series of orgasms.

Mental disorder posters

2011-03-21T09:00:00.001Z

Came across these at adaptcreative and just thought I'd share their brilliance.

Great moments from film

2011-03-20T09:00:00.005Z

Five under-rated and overlooked comedies

2011-03-19T09:00:00.032Z

TLC
First broadcast: Nov 2002
Reece Shearsmith starred in this rather dark comedy set in a hospital. Not for all tastes, but I lapped it up. Never gets repeated, although it is Available on dvd.

DVD: Buy

Colin's Sandwich
First broadcast: Oct 1988
The brilliant Mel Smith played the Colin of the title - a writer of horror stories, dogged by self doubt and his 'real' job at the complaints dept of British Rail. Unbelievably never released on dvd and never turns on on tv.

DVD: Unavailable

Episodes
First broadcast: Jan 2011
A very recent show that divided critics. It received poor rating figures (hidden away on BBC2) but was intentionally set-up for a second series. I thought the writing and performances - especially from Matt LeBlanc (playing a cock-sure, somewhat rude version of himself) were brilliant.

DVD: Buy

Green Wing
First broadcast: Sept 2004
Often compared to Scrubs, but far funnier. Like most of these shows Green Wing has now gained cult status and is very rarely seen on tv, although it has received an airing on Dave recently... or was it GOLD?

DVD: Buy

Nightingales
First broadcast: Feb 1990
Nightingales starred Robert Lindsay who played one of three nighttime security guards. Fabulous performances and writing. Only chance of ever seeing this gem is if you buy the dvd.

DVD: Buy

Also worth mentioning:
Catterick
Game On
Early Doors

Normal-coloured nose day

2011-03-18T09:00:00.006Z

So it's Red Nose Day today. Shall I be wearing a red nose? No. Shall I be dressing up as a nurse and bathing in a bath full of baked beans? No. Will I be watching the show? No. Why? Because I'm not a twat!

I will, I hasten to add, be coughing up my conscience-clearing contribution to the cause, but once I have that's it until next year. I can't help but be deeply irritated by these transparent celebrities and thousands of office workers up and down the country who 'do their bit' every year, just so they can bask in the meaningless praise bestowed upon them by all those involved. If what they're doing is so fucking generous and selfless, why do they make such a thing about naming their office/organization/building society/bank when presenting their oversize cardboard cheque on the show?

I don't disagree that these charity events are a good thing, but it's the type of people who revel in the sillyness that make me want to put my foot through the tv screen. You can just tell that they're the type of bastards that can't wait for RND to come around each year, just so that they can turn up at the office in their ostrich outfit - because, you know, they're mad.. they're 'right nutters', they are.

Just make your contribution and get the fuck out of my face!

Pick of today's stumbling session

2011-03-17T09:00:00.001Z

randallrosenthal.com

The power of music

2011-03-16T09:00:00.013Z

If this piece of music doesn't stir some form of emotion in the listener, then I pronounce you DOA!

Modest Mussorgsky - A night on Bare Mountain

The greatest sitcom ever produced in the history of everness?

2011-03-15T09:00:00.018Z

Friends bags yet another award

Before I start with this, I feel I need to point out that I'm no fan of the US sitcom. In fact, apart from this and The Simpsons, there isn't another US sitcom I watch. No, my heart lies firmly at the feet of classic Brit examples such as Steptoe and Son, Porridge, The Likely Lads.
But if I had to pick the greatest ever, it would have to be Friends. Aside from it's longevity - a staggering 236 episodes in all - the writing was consistently brilliant. At the beginning it was obvious that the writers (and actors) were meeting the characters for the first time, but by the end of series one they'd all honed their quirks and peculiarities and had established the personas that would remain consistent throughout.
If the writing for Friends was good, the performances from all six stars more than equaled it. Each was beautifully observed and multi-dimensional, and I'm in no doubt that the series could not have survived if any one of them had left. Each had their flaws, but each was also incredibly likable and harboured traits that we could all relate to; self doubt, shallowness, neurosis, ocd, self loathing...

It a lot of ways Friends was incredibly American, and yet managed to relate to all of the 100+ countries it showed in.

Fans laughed and cried their way through 236 episodes, over a ten year period, and in one of the most incredible televisual journeys ever, and for those reasons I vote Friends the greatest sitcom ever produced in the history of everness.

My good deed for the year

2011-03-14T09:00:00.011Z

Arrived back at the flat with a few things from Morrisons yesterday afternoon to find a mobile phone lying on the floor a few yards from my front door. It was a Sony Ericsson w810. I did the right thing and checked the photo album for nude photos of any girlfriends that might be on there. There wasn't. I then called one of the people from its contacts folder - she knew the owner of the phone and said she'd get him to ring. A few minutes later he did, but wasn't sure when he'd be able to get round for it. I told him this was no good as I was about to go and see my brother for the day, so he asked if there was anywhere I could leave it, out of sight. I said there was a wheelie bin that I could leave it hidden behind and this is what we agreed to do. When I got back from my brothers later that night the phone had, of course, gone.

Thing is I can't help but feel I was robbed in some respect. No sneeky peeks at naked girlfriends, and no feeling of pride in handing it back to him. The moral of this story? If you find a mobile phone, keep it.

Top 10 comedy shows that are so unfunny they rot my soul

2011-03-13T09:00:00.003Z

In no particular order...

Last of the Summer Wine

The Smoking Room

Anything by Nick Park

Green Green Grass

Mock the Week

On the Buses

Keeping up Appearences

It Ain't Half Hot Mum

Waiting for God

May to December

Did you know?

2011-03-12T09:00:00.016Z

Don't know how old this is, but it was new to me when I saw it. If you combine South America and Africa in a kind of forced continental drift, then turn it through 90 degrees, you end up with the head of a dinosaur. I'm not sure which dinsaur head it most closely resembles, but feel free to print this off, take it down to your local museum and ask the in-house paleontologist. I did all this work my myself, by the way, because I couldn't find a decent step-by-step demo.

Proclaimers launch new album

2011-03-11T09:00:00.003Z

Don't know about you, but I think they've let themselves go a little.

Crispy, rice-based cereal

2011-03-10T09:00:00.003Z

So product placement is now legal. However, in spite of no one giving a flying fuck, Tosspot (AKA Ofcom) have decided that we the viewers must be notified of this by flashing up a 'P' icon at the beginning and end of any programme that's been given the go-ahead to use PP... and, just in case we miss it, on either side of any ad breaks too! I mean for fuck's sake! Come on, hands up all those who care that Sally Webster is using Nescafe to brew up with in Coronation Street... hold on, I'll just count those hands... uum, no one, it would seem. And furthermore, is there really anyone out there sad enough to complain that they noticed a bowl of Kellogg's Cornflakes sitting on the breakfast table in some show that wasn't displaying the 'P'?

Cop-out

2011-03-09T09:00:00.005Z

I've been extremely busy the whole evening re-designing the look of uk451. At time of writing it's 02:05 and I'm just a few tweaks short of having it ready. The new look will be launched tomorrow, but because of all this faffing about I don't have a post ready.

So this is today's post... me telling you I don't have a post ready.

Put it in the basket, I'll read it later

2011-03-08T09:00:00.012Z

In 1905 Dr Beaurieux is given the severed head of a just-executed criminal named Languille. It was part of an on-gong investigation to try and determine if any sensation remained in the head after decapitation. Here are his findings:

The eyelids and lips of the guillotined man worked in irregularly rhythmic contractions for about five or six seconds.
I waited for several seconds. The spasmodic movements ceased. The face relaxed, the lids half-closed on the eyeballs, leaving only the white of the conjunctiva visible, exactly as in the dying whom we have occasion to see every day... It was then that I called in a strong sharp voice: "Languille!" I then saw the eyelids slowly lift up, without any spasmodic contraction - I insist advisedly on this peculiarity - but with an even movement, quite distinct and normal, such as happens in everyday life, with people awakened or torn from their thoughts. Next Languille's eyes very definitely fixed themselves on mine and the pupils focused themselves. I was not, then, dealing with a vague dull look without any expression that can be observed any day in dying people to whom one speaks: I was dealing with undeniably living eyes which were looking at me.

From the book An Underground Education by Richard Zacks

Blast from the past - 1978

2011-03-07T09:00:00.004Z

Armageddon... the worst film in the world, probably

2011-03-06T09:00:00.008Z

How this pile of festering shit ever got the recognition it did I'll never know. I've just had to sit through it at someone Else's house and it took all my will power to keep my mouth shut. It's one of those films that literally makes me feel nauseous, so bad is it at everything it tries to do. The special effects stink (even for its time) the camerawork seems to have been carried out by Work Experience staff, and the dialogue makes me want to ram knitting needles into my ears, just so I can escape the obscenely corny lines that litter it throughout. So shit is this film that I was praying for the death of these badly observed, empty characters. In fact, the perfect end for this film would have been for the shuttle to crash land into Mission Control and wipe out all those oh-so-very-concerned-for-the-safety-of-the-crew twats too! Fuck, even Steve Buscemi managed to annoy me in this one.

The Enfield Poltergeist

2011-03-05T09:00:00.006Z

Great dialogues from television

2011-03-04T09:00:00.002Z

Programme: Friends / Episode: The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line

Chandler confesses to Joey about his kiss with Kathy...

C: "I'm the other guy."
J: "What?"
C: "Yeah... I mean, when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking and one thing led to another, and --"
J: "And what?! Did you sleep with her?!"
C: "No! No, no... I just kissed her."
J: "What?! That's even worse!"
C: "How is that worse?"
J: "I don't know, but it's the same!"

Overheard conversations that make you want to butt in

2011-03-03T09:00:00.003Z

Okay, I've been rifling through my notebook and came across the following (overheard) conversation I'd jotted down (from memory - not at the scene. I'm not that anal). This took place some time ago and before the film in question had been officially released.

Where: Behind me on the bus into town
Subject: A girl in her early twenties on her mobile phone

"Yeah, We were at Nikki's... No, we stayed in cos Nikki had downloaded that film... you know, whatsit... that House on the Left thing.... No, it were well shit. It weren't even the real one. It was well old.... no, it were in colour but it just looked well old..."

If I was the confrontational type I'd have explained in no uncertain terms that the film 'Nikki' had downloaded was the FUCKING ORIGINAL!

Ditto

2011-03-02T09:00:00.003Z

Pet Shop Boys - It's a Sin (1987)

Rialto - Monday Morning 5.19 (1997)

Is this what they mean by 'suffering for your art'?

2011-03-01T09:00:00.003Z

This is Dogtooth - a Greek film made in 2009 by Giorgos Lanthimos about over-protective parents who keep their three teenage children safe from the outside world by never letting them out of the grounds of their house. In this scene, the father has discovered his daughter watching a porographic film. This is her punishment.

What a complete and utter tw@

2011-02-28T09:00:00.006Z

BOGOF

Hardback books - only £99.99

2011-02-27T09:00:00.000Z

Can anyone tell me what the point of the fucking Kindle is? From what I can gather it holds hundreds of books in its memory and... that's it. You're supposed to carry this thing around with you, but why? How many whole books does the average person read in a day anyway? And it's a hundred quid, for heaven's sake! Just take the real bloody book! It's lighter, less cumbersome, and costs a couple of quid to replace if it's lost. Plus, you're much less likely to get some tracksuit-clad arse'ole punching you in the eye in order to steal it from you.

Long live the paperback!

10 Photographs that will blow your mind

2011-02-26T13:33:00.000Z

... is the single, most predictable post you can add to your blog!

Please wait for an assistant

2011-02-25T09:00:00.002Z

You may have read my other post Re Morrison's supermarket - Was £1.99, Now Only £1.99. Well, I ain't finished bitchin' yet!
Yesterday I was in there for a few items and decided to use the self-service checkout. I guessed, by law of average alone, that I would get through without any hiccups on at least one ocassion. Naturally I was wrong. I'd scanned three or four items before the thing's microchip threw a mental and I got the 'Please wait for an assistant' message on the screen. The sour looking woman who missed her youth idled over and stuck her key in (the machine, not me). "Do these things ever work?" I asked. "Yeah," she replied coldly. "Well I don't think I've ever got through without something going wrong," I replied. She hesitated before saying, "Well maybe it's you that's doing it wrong." If she was joking she hadn't told her face. I wasn't taking any chances and snapped back, "Oh, of course, because running a barcode over a scanner is such an art form, isn't it?"* She walked away.

*I actually said this in my head, once I'd left the store, but I always think of the best comebacks once the moment's over.

Green man says go!

2011-02-24T09:00:00.002Z

I was catching the bus into town the other day. The bus stop is located a few yards from a large cross roads. All four set of lights have a pedestrian crossing, complete with red and green men to tell the stupid people when it's safe to cross. I never bother waiting for the green man - not because I think I'm clever or 'big' - but simply because I don't need him. I know that when the lights change to red at the point at which I need to cross, there's a five second delay before traffic from the other directions get their green lights. Despite this, however, people stand there at the roadside like fucking brainwashed zombies, waiting patiently for the beep beep beep and little green man to start flashing. I watch them, silently asking my brain why they're not crossing; "The traffic in all four directions isn't moving - cross the fucking road, you moron!" But no, they must wait for the green man to confirm what they can already see with their own eyes. I wouldn't mind, but pushing the button at the crossing point doesn't make a blind bit of difference to the traffic light sequence anyway! Remember, we're not talking pelican crossings here, where pressing the button tells the system that someone wants to cross, triggering the lights to change from green to red, they're just bog-standard pedestrian crossings and I fail to see why they have a button anyway.
So, next time you're at a pedestrian crossing and your hand automatically reaches up to the button, just stop and think, is there any point?

One song, one image - juxtaposed #3

2011-02-23T16:25:00.002Z

Short reviews from UK451 - Episodes

2011-02-22T09:00:00.003Z

This show is brilliant!

Blast from the past - 1992

2011-02-21T09:00:00.005Z

Brooker for President

2011-02-20T09:00:00.002Z

I don't think there's ever been anyone - certainly not in my lifetime - that exposes the complete and total crapness of everything that is media, as coherently, as beautifully and as accurately as Charlie Brooker. He's an absolute hero of mine and a constant source of inspiration!

If my rants contained a mere fraction of the wit and talent that Brooker displays with his, on shows like Screenwipe and the fantastic How TV Ruined Your Life, I'd be a very proud blogger.

Oh, and he's shagging Konnie Huq!

Lose lose lose. Pleeeease lose

2011-02-19T09:00:00.002Z

Am I the only one who - when they find themselves watching one of these modern day quiz show on someone else's television - wills, with every last sinew in their body, the contestants to fail? Everytime they get a question correct or pick the 'right' box, the audience clap and cheer. Why? Why do shows like the God-fucking-awful Deal or No Deal order their audience to look as though they actually care when the contestant loses a shit-load of money, by sitting their head in their hands, shaking their heads, CRYING!! ??
As for Noel, the bearded little twat, why does he go on like there's some logic to the game... "Mmm, you're being very shrewd here, aren't you? I can see what you're doing." Yes, Noel, they're picking a fucking box at random, you dickface!

Yes, the only genuine pleasure I get when I find myself caught in the middle of the modern quiz show, is watching the contestants lose and then cry.

UK451's impulsive dvd givaway!

2011-02-18T09:00:00.005Z

No catch, no competiton, no ulterior motive. As soon as I get 10 comments on this post I'll pick one out at random and you win the dvd pictured! I'll anounce the winner in a seperate post as soon as I have one, so keep checking back. If you see your name, drop me an email (address in sidebar) with postal details and I'll get it out to you.

Okay, so this is a shameless attempt to get more readers to my blog, but you've got to try, haven't you?

Was £1.99, now only £1.99

2011-02-17T15:45:00.002Z

I was robbed by Morrisons the other day. They took two whole pounds from me when they had no right. I'd bought a couple of items that had been reduced from £1.99 to 0.99p, but when I got home and checked the till reciept, turns out they'd charged me full price for said items. I telephoned and told them, and they confirmed the items had been reduced. They told me to call at their customer service desk where a refund would be issued. Fair enough you might say... but is it?
It's not the first time this has happened and I now find myself wondering how many other people end up paying full price on a reduced item because of some supposed 'glitch' with the barcode scanner. I was lucky, I'd only bought a few items and had a fairly good idea how much the total was going to be - which is why I questioned the bill in the first place - but what about the thousands of people that pass through their stores on a weekly basis, with bills totalling sixty, seventy, eighty pounds? Are they really going to notice that they've been charged £1.99 for their pack of Swedish meatballs instead of the reduced 0.99p ? I thnk not.

Robbing bastards!

My first location shoot

2011-02-16T15:11:00.001Z

I witnessed my first ever 'on location' film shoot today. There I was, cycling down a side street in the middle of Ashton-under-Lyne, when a steward in a high-vis jacket stopped me and asked me to move onto the pavement. It was only then I noticed a crowd of about 60 people that had gathered at a junction. I was about to ask someone what was going on when I heard some guy shout, "Okay, everyone ready... and ACTION!" I looked up the street to see a golf-cart hurtling down, occupied by three teenage hoodie types. Apparently it was being filmed for a new ITV series called Scott and Bailey, but as far as I was concerned the scene was pretty much par for the course for Ashton-under-Lyne.

One song, one image - juxtaposed #2

2011-02-15T17:39:00.001Z

Free Music Downloads

Why men do what they do. #1 in a series of... some

2011-02-14T15:41:00.001Z

Urinate in the sink

Because its height makes it far more user-friendly
Because we don't have to hold the 'old chap'
Because we don't have to aim
Because there's no chance of soaking the carpet when the light bulb goes and we have to go in the dark

Next time in Why Men Do What They Do: Not take 3 hrs to get ready when going out for the night

Short reviews from UK451 - Test Drive Unlimited 2

2011-02-13T14:27:00.001Z

This game is shit.

Welcome back, Mr Lemon

2011-02-13T12:12:00.000Z

Last Thursday saw the return of Keith Lemons' panel show, Celebrity Juice, and it's as funny as ever. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's currently the funniest show on television. The following clip has me howling like a trapped hyena everytime I see it.

This week's rant - one bullet, one celeb - who gets it?

2011-02-11T15:01:00.001Z

I'll come striaght to the point; it's haggis-munching, ginger tosspot Frankie Boyle for me. Why do people fall about like animals whenever he opens his trap? His 'act' comprises of one thing - offending as many people as possible. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the easily offended type, but when it's done for the pure sake of it, it ceases to be funny. It's so pathetic to see him squirming with delight as he watches his fellow team mates on Mock the Week shaking their heads in feiged disbelief after he's delivered his latest diatribe.

Frankie Boyle, you're about as funny as cancer.

[image from scabbyqueen]

Thieving magpies

2011-02-10T18:15:00.000Z

I thought I'd have a look on musicmagpie to see what they'd give me for some of my dvds. I have no intention of selling any of my collection, but I was curious all the same. Just in case you're not familiar with the concept, you simply enter the barcode of any given dvd and they'll quote you a price. I picked the movie spin-off from the 70s sitcom, Man About the House, knowing that it's currently fetching £22 on amazon. Magpie offered me £3.00.

I then tried a boxset - Red Dwarf - Just the Shows. Okay, so you can pick it up for about £12 on amazon, but £2.81? For a 10-disc boxset?

Magpies are known for being thieving little shits, right?

Ever wondered...

2011-02-10T15:37:00.001Z

Why some people smell of so many different food products? I have. I don't have the answer, so if you've ever wondered the same and are hoping for the answer, you can stop reading now. But onto those smells; two parts of the male anatomy can smell like cheese - the peni of roulade with chives, and the feet of parmesan, while urine sometimes smells like Sugar Puffs. Some women have a condition known as FOS (Fish Odour Syndrome), and a relative of mine whose hygiene is lacking somewhat, often smells like a hot cheese and onion pastie.

Know of any people that smell like a food? Drop me a comment.

How do you expect to lose weight eating all that fruit?

2011-02-09T01:41:00.001Z

I'm a piggy. A glutton. A late-night snacker, call me what you will. Or I should say I was those things until I caught a glimpse of my refection in the kitchen window recently and decided enough was enough. I'm not morbidly obese, by any stretch of the imagination, but nor could I pass myself off as David Tennant's body-double. So about ten days ago I decided that I was going to substitute the crisps (chips to any US readers), cakes, chocolate (candy to those same US readers) for fruit.
Now, I still get those late-night munchies, but it meant that I could divulge without feeling bad about it. Fruit's good for you, right? Well, yes it is, but only in moderation. Even with fruit there are guidelines and it turns out I've been eating over twice my RDA. This might explain why over the whole of those ten days I haven't lost any weight.

Why?

2011-02-07T16:25:00.000Z

Found this while trying to identify the song from the new Heinz advert. Anyone that can pass the 30 second mark gets a tenner.

Brighton Rock remake?

2011-02-06T18:08:00.000Z

Forget it. Joffe likes to pretend there's no connection between this and his remake, but this is still the definitive mods and rockers film.

Actually, come to think of it, it's probably the only other mods and rockers film.

This week's rant - The latest Just For Men advert.

2011-02-05T13:24:00.000Z

Guy gets a knock on his front door so he peers through the peephole to see a beautiful woman standing there. She's holding an empty glass and asks, "Would you like to take me hard up the arse?" (well, she says something about borrowing milk, in fact, but I hear what I want to hear). Anyway, the guy remembers he's recently started to get a few grey hairs and panics, knowing if that he answers the door in such a state the pretty lady will simply vomit all over him. So what to do? He suddenly remembers the 'grey-away' hair product and sets off on a mission to get himself a box. He leaps out of the window, runs to the shop, buys the product, runs all the way back home, into the bathroom, strips to the waist, uses the treatment (it takes 5 minutes), dries his hair, combes it back into place, puts his shirt back on and then answers the door and she's still stood there, waiting patiently.

Did it not occur to this silly bint that maybe there was no one home, a minute or so after he'd failed to answer?

One song, one image - juxtaposed #1

2011-02-04T13:45:00.001Z

Free Music Downloads

Here comes the summer... in a couple of months, anyway

2011-02-03T15:15:00.001Z

I've had my fill of the cold now. I love all the seasons and winter does have its moments; taking shelter from the rain, getting back indoors and hudling round the fire with a hot brew after an ill-advised stroll. But then there's the downside - fuel bills rocket, there's only eight hours of daylight, and if like me you don't have central heating, you're freezing your nads off for the majority of the time.

Summer's a different animal, though, and I can hardly wait. Pretty ladies wearing next to nothing, lazy days rolling into still and heavy nights, and if you can get out into the country there's even more delights waiting; cows swatting flies with a flick of their tail, the distant hum of bees and other insects, and one of the greatest summer sights - a rapeseed field at sunset.

Don't wait for a punchline, there isn't one.

The world's catchiest song,... probably.

2011-02-02T19:50:00.000Z

Free Music Downloads

The mind boggles

2011-02-02T15:32:00.001Z

The Sound of Awkward

B Johnson's 'how to tackle' masterclass

2011-02-01T23:27:00.001Z

Art that makes me wonder why I bother

2011-02-01T20:08:00.001Z

http://corcoise.blogspot.com/

No-touch, no germs

2011-02-01T16:43:00.001Z

You may have seen the advert - Dettol's 'no-touch' handwash, a system that allows users to dispense the soap without having to touch a dirty, germ-riddled plunger. Yes, the very same dirty, germ-riddled plunger that would dispense the soap that allows you to clean your hands of the dirty germs you may have picked up when touching the dirty, germ-riddled plunger in the first place.